Heading for Home

Hooray!! We got the green light to travel from Wisconsin ICPC on Monday! We packed our bags and made an overnight run to Indiana, landing at Ed's parents' house at 6:30 Tuesday morning. We've had a good rest and had a great time sharing Harper with Ed's family. We're ready to head out on the final leg of our journey and plan to be home Thurday morning. (Traveling is a little slower now that we have to make a feeding-changing-burping stop every couple of hours).
Thank you to all for all your help and support and prayers. We're so thankful for all the blessings and mercies that our family has received.

Here We Are

Proud big sister

Here we are! all settled in Atlanta with the sweetest little armful of baby that a family could ever want. We've all fallen in love with tiny Harper Jacie Rayn as she does all those adorable things newborn babies do - the rooting and cooing and stretching and scrunching. Audrey hasn't caught on yet that this new person might be someone to be jealous of. All her little mamma instincts are in full swing with this newborn dream-come-true. Her very own baby!


The termination of parental rights for the birth parents of Jacie Janae (as they named her) was official at midnight on Monday the 14th. We left home at 7:30 that evening, figuring that by then we were pretty well in the clear. We arrived in the Peach State on Tuesday. Our weary band rolled into Norry's driveway at 3:30 in the afternoon after a brief stop for tooth brushing, etc. Norry was Harper's Caring Home provider for the first two weeks of her life. What a treasure she is! We. Love. Norry!

Norry and Beth (an equally kind and loving Open Door caseworker) awaited us with baby in arms. Norry had Harper all dressed up for the occasion in proper Southern girl attire. We spent a couple of joyful hours with them, talking, passing the baby around, signing and notarizing paperwork, and taking turns chasing Audrey. (Side note: Audrey was an awesome traveler, but once she was released from the truck, her tightly coiled springs worked overtime for a couple of days).As we loaded our new family member into the truck and said our goodbyes to Norry and Beth, Audrey - already in love - asked if we could take the baby home. How awesome it was to say yes love, we're taking her home with us! Norry confessed to wanting to keep this particular baby for herself. So, yeah...we got a good one.

Beth, Harper, and Norry

Settling in to our home away from home

Jammin'

From Norry's, we drove to the drug store for a case of diapers and baby wipes. Then we were on our way to John and Mary Raterman's home. Open Door connected us with them for our stay in Atlanta while we wait for our ICPC (Interstate Compact for Protection of Children) paperwork to be approved by Georgia and Wisconsin. The Ratermans were a Caring Home provider for Open Door babies for many years. A few years ago, changes to Mary's schedule made it impossible to take in the babies anymore. So they decided to open their home to adoptive families instead. That way, she says, she still gets the babies but now she doesn't have to wake up with them at night.

Georgia Aquarium

This family has been such an amazing blessing to us, I cannot hardly begin to tell how wonderful our experience has been. It's a far cry from the room in the extended stay hotel that we had in New Orleans 3 years ago. I'm almost reluctant to go home. The Ratermans are very gracious and generous hosts. We are inhabiting the walkout basement apartment of their beautiful home. (Their daughter lives down here most of the time, but she moves out whenever a family like ours moves in). They are all set up for their grandkids, who are Audrey's age, so we have not lacked one moment for interesting things to do. We have a fenced in yard with a treehouse and swingset, a collection of interesting toys, and a lovely neighborhood - complete with playgrounds and a pool. It couldn't get much better.

Riding the horses at the mall

When we arrived at the Ratermans' place, they had pizza and salad waiting for us. We met another adoptive family that night who had been staying with John and Mary for a couple of nights. They had come up from the southern Georgia, where their baby was born and were flying home to Idaho the next day with their brand new son. It is fun and encouraging to intersect with other families that are doing this same crazy adoption thing.
Wednesday evening, the Ratermans invited us to the pool with their family. At the pool John, Mary and their daughters all took turns holding Harper while I played in the water with Audrey and while Ed got lost with their dog. (This is a whole story unto itself, which includes placing a missing persons report. However, as you can see, it turned out alright in the end aside from some very sore paws and limbs. Mary gave us her GPS after the incident. John has found it excellent fodder for jokes. Ed decided, rather than go for another run, he'd join us at the pool the next day). Friday evening, John and Mary ordered out for Thai food and invited us and some of their friends to join them. So, like I said, I'm feeling a little reluctant to go home.

Happiness is...

It's been a very pleasant week to be in Georgia. Not at all the blistering hot Southern odyssey that I was expecting. We've had the opportunity to get out and about to see some of the sights in between all the fun we've been having close to "home." Friday we visited the Georgia Aquarium. Yesterday we got out to ride the carousel at the mall and have some ice cream. On Friday, we got word that Georgia approved our ICPC paperwork. So now we're just waiting to hear from Wisconsin. We're thinking we might just start getting ready to go on Monday so that we can hop in the truck and head home as soon as we get the green light. 

It looks like we will not be meeting Harper's birth family on this trip. They are still working through their grief and need some time and space yet. We're sad to miss meeting them, but understand it at the same time. We're hopeful to meet them sometime in the future. We also missed out on meeting Victoria, the counselor/caseworker who we have been working with over the phone for the past two months. The day we rolled into town for placement with Harper, Victoria was occupied all day at the hospital with another birth mother. She has been one busy lady, juggling birth mothers, babies, and adoptive families. Hopefully we can meet her someday too. 

(By the way, we got an update on the mother of twins whose match we declined. She had the babies a couple of days before we got to town and brought both of the boys home with her after all. Whew! We're glad for a happy ending for us and for them. Though I'm thinking there is another adoptive family somewhere out there with a heartache over it right now).

Soon, we should be headed for home! Before we leave Georgia, I'll post one more time to let folks know when we're on our way.

One last note: my cell phone took a bath in Miracle Bubble yesterday. I am hoping for a miracle recovery, but if you need to reach us, Ed's phone is the better bet right now.

Onward

In June when our adoption plans fell through, we returned to our pre-baby idea of a family vacation in Red Lodge, MT to visit my dad (Ray) and step-mom (Pat), step-sister (Amanda) and nephews (Nic and Zack). Karin - my sister living in the Twin Cities - joined us for the trip. We were out West all last week and had a wonderful time together.

Back in April, Dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme, an aggressive form of brain cancer. My sisters and I were each able to spend a week with Dad and Pat at the time of his surgery and the weeks that followed. A shortly after surgery, Dad began a six week regimen of chemo and daily radiation. That treatment wrapped up 3 weeks ago, so he's had a little bit of a break. In a couple more weeks he will start 6 months of intensified chemo.

Dad has been doing remarkably well through all the challenges that brain cancer has been throwing at him. He has remained very sharp, has maintained a positive spirit, and has been enjoying the fellowship of friends and family. Dad and Pat have a great community of friends in Red Lodge who have mobilized to assist them with meals, transportation, good company, and whatever else they need. Radiation has left Dad very fatigued, so he has to spend a majority of his time resting, which he finds terribly frustrating. Still, he's staying positive and looking forward to his strength returning in another month, which is what the doctors are telling him to expect.

Vista Point

Third birthday

We spent the week enjoying time as a family and soaking up the beauty of the mountains and the culture of Red Lodge. We attended parades and the rodeo, watched fireworks and went hiking. On a morning when Dad was feeling good, he took a car ride with us up through the Bear Tooth pass and walked with us out to Vista Point where we enjoyed the incredible views. While we were up there we fed a bunches of bold chipmunks (referred to by Audrey as a “squirrel hive”) and took some time to run around on the tundra while Dad sat close by.

Wednesday of Montana Week, Ed and I received a call from Open Door, our adoption agency. We have been chosen again! Believe it or not, this is our third match through this agency. We got chosen for a second time right on the heels of our first match. That birth mother was pregnant with twin boys. She figured that she could afford to raise one of the boys, but not both. In the end, we just couldn't get our heads around splitting up the twins, so we declined after a few days of mulling it over. I think about the family that is now matched with that birth mother and the wild ride that they must be on at the moment.

SO... now, we're back to a baby girl with our current match. She was born July 1^st . (6 pounds 4 ounces, 19 + inches) The birth parents contacted Open Door when she was born. They are in their early twenties and already have a 3 year old son and a 1 ½ year old daughter. The mother is a student and the father just recently lost his job. They are concerned that a third child would jeopardize their ability to provide for the other two, and so they have chosen to place their baby with our family. We spoke with both of the parents by phone while they were still at the hospital last week

.

The baby went home from the hospital and is settled in with a bridge care family in Atlanta until we get there. Birth parents signed the paperwork relinquishing their parental rights on July 2. TPR (termination of parental rights) will be final at midnight, Monday July 14. We will wait until then to travel to Atlanta – just in case. You never know.

I'm working on unpacking from Montana and at the same time starting to pack for Georgia. If we make it to the weekend with no change in plans, I will start to get out the baby stuff. It looks as if we will be driving south rather than flying. Prices for plane tickets to Atlanta have nearly doubled since I last looked in June, so that's that. Lucky for us, Audrey is a champion traveler. She's got Montana cowgirl fever, so I'm looking forward to thoseYEE-Haws! and howdys issuing forth from the back seat while we motor on.

We're very happy to be matched again so soon. I am, however, feeling a bit spent. We'd appreciate prayers for everyone in this adoption picture – birth family, baby, bridge care family, us. We'd also appreciate prayers for Dad and Pat as they fight through the difficulties of cancer and treatment. Dad is determined to beat this cancer, and we pray that he will. (Those who are interested in following his progress can find his CaringBridge site here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/raysvenson).

We will try to keep the blog updated on our progress, though one can consider no news here to be good news. We might be a little busy in the next few days. Thanks all!

Saying Goodbye

We just wanted to let everyone know that we did get the final word this afternoon that D. has decided to parent her baby with family members providing back up help if she needs it.

We know that this outcome is good and that God has a plan, and there is a child yet for our family. This helps. But the pain of it all is still deep. We wonder if it is really possible to enter into adoption and at the same time guard one's heart. So here we are, prying our hearts off of this tiny little dream.

Thank you everyone for your loving support. Thank you friends and family and neighbors for all your help so far and for your readiness to hold down the fort for us. Everyone can relax now, but we'll be counting on you again sometime in the future.

The Waiting

Good news today! A baby girl was born to our birth mom (D.) this morning at 6:19 am after a 5 am inducement. Baby and birth mom are doing well.

We are standing by, ready to receive this baby should a decision move in our direction, but our birth mother has new factors to consider. Family members have come into the picture, offering to raise the child. So, D. is weighing her options. The agency counselor who has been working with the birth mom has been great. I am so glad for the support she has provided for D. through all of this, helping her evaluate choices for her and for her baby without any pressure in one direction or the other. I am also very glad for the support she has provided for us, kindly keeping us updated on all that is happening.

Those who are inclined to pray, we'd appreciate prayer for this dear birth mother - for a clear head and a peaceful heart as she seeks to make the best decision for herself and for her precious baby. 

We'd appreciate prayer also for ourselves. Our hearts are weary.

The great news for this baby is that, no matter the decision, she will have a loving family.

Here we go!

Well! we wanted to speed things up a bit and I guess we got what we asked for.

About 3 weeks ago we got the call. Ed came home that night and we sat at the table and looked at each other. Then we looked at our calendars. I felt the coolness of color leaving my face. Ed prayed for endurance. And then we saddled up for a crazy ride. Ever since, it's been an intense trip of short sleep and highly caffeinated living - not exactly the best way to prepare for life with a newborn, but stuff's gotta get done.

The birth mother with whom we are matched is due June 10. I talked with the birth mother's counselor today following her latest doctor appointment. They say they she is 39 weeks and 5 days along. (Ed asked me what this meant). We've known from the time of our match that this baby could show up at any moment. But when you lay 39 weeks and 5 days onto the 40 week pregnancy calendar, it can bring on some shallow breathing.

Fortunately our ducks are starting to line up, so we may have a sliver of time to sleep and breathe before we set out for Georgia.

Here's some of the basic information on our match.
Birth mother is in her 30's. She has 2 girls ages 6 and 9.
She lives in Atlanta.
We have spoken with her on the phone and had a very nice conversation.
The baby is a girl.

Georgia law is that TPR (termination of parental rights) is not final until 10 days after the baby is born. This means that a birth mother can change her mind about her adoption plan any time in those first 10 days of her baby's life. Our adoption agency strongly counsels against adoptive families traveling before those 10 days are up, as they have a high rate of birth mothers deciding to parent their babies. We have not yet made up our minds about travel plans, but we will likely be waiting a bit before heading south. If our birth mom follows through with her adoption plan, the baby will stay with a foster family in what's called "bridge care" until TPR is final and we arrive.

As it was with Audrey's adoption, we will not be able to cross state lines with the baby until the ICPC (Interstate Compact for Protection of Children) paperwork has all been processed which will be 10 to 12 days after TPR. So, it could be another steamy southern summer vacation for the Chew family very soon.

It is exciting to have a match, and yet we're cautious. There could be a reversal ahead. So we are measuring our hearts accordingly, while remaining fully committed to this sweet birth mom and her little baby.
Among the many things for which I am thankful right now is this:  we won't have long to wait to find out if we are family. 

Our Privilege

“What a privilege is this, to possess God in all things while we have them, and all things in God when they are taken from us.

An acquiescence in the Lord’s will, founded in a persuasion of His wisdom, holiness, sovereignty, and goodness.—This is one of the greatest privileges and brightest ornaments of our profession.

So far as we attain to this, we are secure from disappointment. Our own limited views and short-sighted purposes and desires, may be, and will be, often over-ruled; but then our main and leading desire, that the will of the Lord may be done, must be accomplished.

How highly does it become us, both as creatures and as sinners, to submit to the appointments of our Maker! And how necessary is it to our peace!

This great attainment is too often unthought of, and overlooked: we are prone to fix our attention upon the second causes and immediate instruments of events; forgetting that whatever befalls us is according to His purpose, and therefore must be right and seasonable in itself, and shall in the issue be productive of good.

From hence arise impatience, resentment, and secret repinings, which are not only sinful, but tormenting: whereas, if all things are in His hand; if the very hairs of our head are numbered; if every event, great and small, is under the direction of His providence and purpose; and if He has a wise, holy, and gracious end in view, to which every thing that happens is subordinate and subservient.
Then we have nothing to do, but with patience and humility to follow as He leads, and cheerfully to expect a happy issue. The path of present duty is marked out; and the concerns of the next and every succeeding hour are in His hands.

How happy are they who can resign all to Him, see His hand in every dispensation, and believe that He chooses better for them than they possibly could for themselves!"

From The Works of the John Newton Volume 1 
[emphases mine, aside from the "if"s and "then"]

I recently rediscovered the above quote taped to our office wall. I had placed it there years ago as we were finding our "short-sighted purposes and desires...often over-ruled." It was a helpful reminder for a time, but then I moved on. That curled piece of paper has just blended into the drywall for the past six years. Rather than walking by it, I should have been committing this little gem to memory.

"Secure from disappointment." What a thought!
 My days have too often been marked by impatience, resentment, and secret (or not-so-secret) repinings. Bitter thoughts can rise up in a hostile take-over of my unguarded mind, so prone am I to fix my attention upon the immediate.

"You have to war against this kind of thinking," Ed said to me one night after I unpacked a bundle of my darker thoughts as we sat together. And I knew he was right. He has always been much more "founded in the persuasion of God's wisdom, holiness, sovereignty, and goodness" than me. It is good to be attached to such a person, so that I can be reminded regularly.

Here is one small observation I have been able to make in this latest chapter of my miniature, personal war. Happiness and pain can co-exist. The happiness referred to by Newton is not the fake, put-a-smile-on-it, kind of thing. It comes from the depths. It's a knowing that, though everything looks like a terrible mess and is NOT going according to my plan, there is a greater purpose at work here than anything I could design. It's a calm confidence in God's goodness and might. Resentment cannot persist in this atmosphere and pain softens.

All that said, here's an update on our adoption status.

In January we discovered that our adoption agency had only completed 2 minority in adoptions in 2013 and 3 in 2012. With 11 waiting families in the minority program, and no minority birth mothers in the program at the time of our inquiry, things looked bleak. At the time we signed on with this agency, the ratio of families to annual placements was about 2:1, or an average 2 year wait. With the numbers trending more like 5:1, it did not look likely that we would be matched with a birth mother anytime soon. Maybe not even in the next couple of years.

So! we (I) started combing the country for a new adoption agency with great intensity. There's about 100 blog posts I would have liked to write about all that I learned in the search process. But time has been short...maybe someday I'll be able to blog it all out. At any rate, after a month of searching, we were impressed with an agency in Georgia and signed on with them at the end of February. They were recruiting waiting families. They had had so many placements, they were running low on families to show to birth mothers. It took us about a month to get all of our paperwork in order and to print new "life books" (family photo album/scrapbook to show what your life is like). By mid-April, our profile was posted on their website and our life books had been mailed out to all of their birth mother counselors around the state of Georgia.

We often get asked if changing agencies was a financial loss for us. The answer is, not really. We are able to use the home study from our first agency, so we did not have to start over. We do have to renew our study this month again, as June is our 2-year mark and home studies have to be renewed every year until the adoption is finalized. This mostly means filling out some paperwork and going to the doc for check-ups.

Working with this new agency is, however, going to cost us more than we initially anticipated. Fees are $28,000. Added to about $6500 for home study and post-placement fees, our total will come close to $35,000. This number is a jaw-dropper, almost without fail. (Believe it or not, it could be much higher). I hope to write more some day about agency fees and what all they go for - what is reasonable and what is not. Yes, it is a lot of money. But there are a lot of people at work in the adoption process and they all need to make a living. There are birth mothers who need assistance and adoption agencies are the conduit through which much of that assistance comes.

Despite the price tag, we are grateful for the opportunity to adopt.
We know that in the end it will be worth the cost.

Fortunately for us, there are many people out there committed to helping families to adopt. We have already received much generous support from friends, family, neighbors and strangers. We have been awarded a couple of adoption grants from organizations that help adoptive families. It seemed sufficient until we changed horses. Now that we are facing higher fees, we are scrambling to get a few thousand (like maybe 12,000) more dollars lined up. We have found additional grants to apply for. We are looking at loan options. We are nervous. We are excited. We want to be ready to write the check when that crazy day comes. We can't wait to hold that little baby.

A Life Worth Living

In recognition of the anniversary of Roe v. Wade (41 years today), this past week our church honored Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. Every year when this day comes around, I mop up a puddle of tears.

Recently, the phrase "another unwanted life," used in defense of the "merits" of abortion, left me trembling and raw. How can it be said that someone else's life won't be worth living? That they aren't wanted?

The end of December marked 18 months of waiting for our next child (if you don't count the first 6 months of preparation and paperwork). We are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of us waiting to adopt "unwanted" children. Some of us waiting for years and years. Waiting for children of every color and physical condition. Praying and waiting for pregnant girls and women to see that there is a way for their child to have a life. And that there is a way for them to go on with their own lives with dignity and purpose. True, it is a great sacrifice to nurture a life in the womb for 9 months. To bear a child and relinquish her into the hands of someone else is not a small thing. But what is it worth, to save someone's life?

I have been moved more than ever in the past 2 years to pray for women with unexpected and unwanted pregnancies. Sometimes I think that perhaps this is part of the purpose of my own pain. That I could carry these women in my heart and pray for them. Praying that they could be bold and courageous. That they could sacrificially love that very small person. That they could be safe. That they could be somebody's hero.

What Audrey's birth mother did for Audrey and for our family, our community and future generations cannot be measured. How grateful I am for all these little ones who have been given a chance to live and for their first mommas who gave them that chance.